Trust isn't Binary
“I trust my team completely, so I don’t get involved in their decisions anymore.”
“If I ask too many questions, I’m micromanaging.”
“Asking for a progress update feels like I’m checking up on them.”
“If I have to explain my thinking, I’m not giving them real autonomy.”
“Real autonomy means I stay out of it unless they ask for help.”
These are snippets from conversations I’ve had with new engineering managers over the past few years, across very different organisations. They all share the same underlying belief. Trust is binary. You either trust completely and stay out of it, or you’re a micromanager.
The problem emerges slowly. A leader steps back completely, believing this shows trust. They don’t stop to ask whether the situation actually needs hands-off leadership. Some months later, their team is stuck on a critical decision, going in circles, waiting for their input.
This is the trap. You swing between extremes. Checking everything because you’re worried, then feeling guilty and backing off entirely. Your team gets whiplash. You’re either too involved or completely absent. Neither feels like trust to them.
How We Misinterpret Trust
We decide what trust looks like. Stepping back. Not asking questions. Staying out of decisions. Then we apply these behaviours like a checklist, regardless of what’s actually happening.
This is where things go wrong.
You’ve decided that trust means not asking for progress updates. So you don’t ask, even when you can see someone struggling. You’ve decided that trust means letting the team make all technical decisions. So you stay silent during the architectural debate, even when you have critical context about cross-team dependencies. You’ve decided that trust means hands-off leadership. So you step back, even when the situation is screaming for your involvement.
You’re following a predetermined script about what trust should look like instead of reading what the situation actually needs.
This isn’t leadership. It’s abdication dressed up as empowerment.
The real problem? When you stick to these behaviors despite clear evidence they’re not working, you’re not demonstrating trust. You’re refusing to take responsibility for what’s happening. Your team is stuck. The decision isn’t moving forward. The project is drifting. But you’ve committed to “trusting them,” so you maintain your distance even as things unravel.
And this is what actually erodes trust. Your team isn’t experiencing your hands-off approach as trust. They’re experiencing it as absence. As withholding the context they need. As leaving them to figure out problems you could help solve.
Trust isn’t a set of predetermined behaviors. It’s responding to what each situation requires.
What Trust Actually Requires
Instead of asking “Do I trust my team?” ask “What does this specific situation need from me?”
Consider:
Impact: Does this decision affect one feature or the entire platform?
Capability: Are they working within their strengths or stretching into new territory?
Context: Are you building something new or fixing something broken under deadline?
Stakes: Is this reversible or are you making a one-way door decision?
Thinking through these aspects helps you respond intentionally to what each situation requires. There is no magic formula. Sometimes trust means stepping back completely. Other times it means engaging in detailed discussion. The key is that your involvement should be intentional, not reactive.
Your Leadership Journey
Catch yourself when you’re wondering whether to step in or step back. Pause and ask: “What’s driving my reaction right now? Is it habit? Fear? Or is there actually something about this specific situation that needs my attention?”
Being honest with yourself about these motivations can help you make more conscious choices about how you engage with your team.
Remember, just as you used to write different levels of tests for different parts of your codebase, you can have different levels of involvement for different situations. This isn’t a failure of trust. It’s sophisticated leadership.
Your job is to respond to what each situation actually needs, not to follow a predetermined script about what trust should look like.
What areas of your leadership would shift if you moved from binary to nuanced thinking about trust?
📌 Hi, I’m Meena! 👋
I work with new Engineering Managers in Tech to help them navigate the transition from coding to leading so that they thrive in their new role.
Recognise yourself here? Or perhaps you’re seeing this play out with someone you manage? Get in touch and let’s talk about how personalised support can make the difference.